Sharing Pictures

Last weekend Jim and I finally shared pictures of Jake's birth family with him. We waited until we had a quiet day at home, in case he needed more comfort or space afterwards. We really didn't know how he would react. Would he remember and be sad? Would he be angry? Would he become withdrawn or act out? It was nearly a year ago when he was brought to the care center by his family. Without getting into too much detail about the family he lost, there were pictures of about 5 family members.

Well, we all sat down on the couch and Jim and I started in halting voices to share some of the details and pictures. I had rehearsed the details in toddler terms, hoping he would get the gist of our conversation. The pictures were in an album for him. He thanked me for the album and seemed to take the information seriously. He didn't share much. His strongest reaction was to a picture of his birth home.

When we showed him a picture of his birth home, he quickly jumped up and started to pretend cry and point to his scars on his leg. We know that while he lived with his birth family he was burned in a cooking fire. We were told that he grabbed some sticks out of the fire and they landed on his legs. His scars are significant on his upper thighs. From his reaction, we assume that the fire was close to his house. Obviously this early trauma stuck in his memory. So far we do not see any fear of fire based on his burns.

The people pictures did not seem to have the same effect. He looked at the album several times. There were pictures of him in the care center and he seemed to look the most at those. Now that we have shown him the pictures we will keep them available and accessible. We will honor his first family at holiday and in our everyday conversations and remembrances. I feel relieved that we took this first step to making our family comfortable with the conversations related to his life story.

In reflection, the experience of adoption is soooo much more complicated than I anticipated. The joy of growing our family is matched with the pain of separating family members from each other. There are no easy answers in life.

Our Swimmer

Jake LOVES the water. This weekend he swam with his cousin Caroline, Aunt Dianne, Ababa, and me. He swam underwater while kicking his feet and moving his arms. He went down a big water slide and jumped in from the side of the pool. He wanted to go off the diving board, but we said no. :) I am amazed at his bravery and total lack of fear. We will have to keep giving him opportunities to swim and improve his skills.

Also, he sleeps really well after so much exercise. :)

Jake and Joshua

Jake LOVES his cousin Joshua. He talks about him everyday. Whenever Jim and I tell him that he is going to do something, he asks whether "Joshua come too?" He gets really excited to see him. Yesterday, they visited Dutch Wonderland. We enjoyed their smiles and laughter. It was heartwarming to see Joshua take care of Jake on the rides. At other times, I've heard Joshua say, "It's ok, little buddy." when he sees Jake upset. They also wrestle like brothers and fight over toys. I am thrilled that they are growing up with each other like Mike and I grew up together.

A Busy Weekend

Jake enjoyed a busy weekend. On Saturday we joined 3 other adoptive families at Daniel's Den. The children played around on the playset and then we shared a picnic lunch. Malachi and Jake played with the sand. There were five children from Ethiopia. At one point, I went into the sandbox to tell Jacob about lunch. A little boy said, "I didn't know that you were his mommy. I thought you would have a face like his." I smiled at this little boy's recognition of our different skin colors, and I assured him that I was Jacob's mommy.

The next day we traveled to Aunt Laura's house where he played for hours on the trampoline with his cousins. He is pictured with four of his cousins, Joshua, Kaitlin, Abby and Jonathan. Everyone seemed to enjoy the day. And, even though Jake was tired, he was well behaved. He fell asleep on the car ride home and slept the rest of the night.

An Adoption Episode

Today we visited DC and planned a lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant in Falls Church. Jake was sleeping when we arrived at the restaurant, after spending time at the Natural History Museum. As you can see from this picture, he ate well and really enjoy his injera. Afterwards, we went next door to the Ethiopian shop.

For some reason, he started to act up. He threw a bottle of apple juice on the floor and when I picked him up he started kicking and trying to pinch my cheek. As I was trying to correct him and calm him down, two Ethiopian women started to talk with him in Amharic. They were very stern and the older woman started to smack her hand as she talked. I sat him on a stool for him to listen to her. I assumed she was telling him to respect his emama and his abbaba. I heard her saying those words.

Well, he sat there quietly and then when it went on for a minute or two, I took him down from the stool. She reached out to hold him as a way to be loving (I imagine), and he would have none of it. I picked him up and we took him to the car. Well, he completely freaked out for at least a half hour. He was screaming and crying and zoning like he does when he really seems to be grieving. We tried to comfort him by reassuring him that we were not going to leave him at the restaurant and that he was our son whether he was acting badly or not. It took him a looong time to recover.

We still aren't sure what happened, but we do think it was related to his adoption story. The crying was not his usual I am mad and tired. As parents, we recognized the difference. I still feel guilty for having him sit on the stool and listen to the woman. I thought it might help him to hear another message about respect in Amharic. He struggles in this area.

It was exhausting to go through this with him. As he sleeps tonight I wonder what caused him to react in such a way. Did he think we were going to leave him? Did her words scare him? Was he remembering being disciplined at the orphanage? This is just another example of how complicated it is to parent a child when we have missed their first years of life.

The Month of Graduations!

Jake must think that graduations are common occurances since he attended his second one on Friday. It felt extra special to share the event with him, Jim and friends Eric and Aimee. Jake charmed people in the crowd and lasted about an hour before he needed to run. The room was hot and the cermony long (2+hours), but I was glad that I attended.

Good Impressions??

Last weekend Jim graduated from Seminary and Jacob met his Grandmother from California for the first time. He didn't exactly put his best self forward. He seemed out of sorts and over stimulated. Here is an example: We all (Grandma, Aunt Dianne, and Uncle Chuck) went out to eat after graduation to a sandwich shop downtown. All Jacob wanted was to see the fountain out front. He saw it before eating and again afterwards. I had him afterwards, so Jim would be able to talk with his family. I made sure to hold Jake's hand as he walked around the cement border. Then, I made him lay down on the border to look into the fountain. He threw coins in and seemed content to reach into the water with his hand. Well, you know how quickly two year olds move?? In an instant, he went from lying on the border, to reaching in and then falling head first into the fountain. I pulled him out by his feet and he was competely soaked. He was sputtering and crying. As I consoled him and carried him back to the outside table full of family - it was hard not to laugh at the ridiculous picture we made - he was dripping in his dress clothes and I was carrying him with my dress soaked in the front. It cut the meal short as Jim went to the parking garage for the car. Aunt Dianne helped me undress Jake and we wrapped him in her pink shawl. He was dancing around in his pull up by the time Jim returned with the car. Now, his imaginary play includes calling for help as he "falls into a fountain". :)

Mother's Day Reflections

We spent the weekend together as a family in Cape May. What an awesome Mother's Day weekend. Jacob LOVED the beach and wanted to jump right into the cold water. My heart just swelled with love as I watched him experience another "first".
Jim made the day special by bringing down a bottle of champagne and treating me to a special lunch. Then when we arrived home from the beach, he drew me a bath, lit candles, and took care of Jacob while I relaxed. I put Jacob to bed and we played a long game of tickling. He wanted more and more. :)

On reflection about this Mother's Day; I think I feel it more deeply having waited through sooo many other years when my heart ached to hold a little one. Jacob is just the child for us. He is a joy and a challenge. He often charms his way out of trouble when he has pushed the limits too far. Then we hear, "I love you Mommy!" or "I love you Ababa!" and see his charming smile. It is really hard to follow through sometimes. But, we know that love is setting limits and teaching him to trust and not to always strive for control. I look forward to experiencing more firsts and seconds and thirds, ..... with him (and his Ababa!).

Video of Sprinkler Fun

Water Fun

The temperatures rose to the mid-80's, so the boys (Jacob, Ababa and Joshua) cooled off in the sprinkler. It was fun to watch Jacob go from timid to brave as he followed his cousin's lead. They were running through the water and laughing until they needed to warm up with towels. Uncle Mike's yard was the perfect water park.