Today we visited DC and planned a lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant in Falls Church. Jake was sleeping when we arrived at the restaurant, after spending time at the Natural History Museum. As you can see from this picture, he ate well and really enjoy his injera. Afterwards, we went next door to the Ethiopian shop.
For some reason, he started to act up. He threw a bottle of apple juice on the floor and when I picked him up he started kicking and trying to pinch my cheek. As I was trying to correct him and calm him down, two Ethiopian women started to talk with him in Amharic. They were very stern and the older woman started to smack her hand as she talked. I sat him on a stool for him to listen to her. I assumed she was telling him to respect his emama and his abbaba. I heard her saying those words.
Well, he sat there quietly and then when it went on for a minute or two, I took him down from the stool. She reached out to hold him as a way to be loving (I imagine), and he would have none of it. I picked him up and we took him to the car. Well, he completely freaked out for at least a half hour. He was screaming and crying and zoning like he does when he really seems to be grieving. We tried to comfort him by reassuring him that we were not going to leave him at the restaurant and that he was our son whether he was acting badly or not. It took him a looong time to recover.
We still aren't sure what happened, but we do think it was related to his adoption story. The crying was not his usual I am mad and tired. As parents, we recognized the difference. I still feel guilty for having him sit on the stool and listen to the woman. I thought it might help him to hear another message about respect in Amharic. He struggles in this area.
It was exhausting to go through this with him. As he sleeps tonight I wonder what caused him to react in such a way. Did he think we were going to leave him? Did her words scare him? Was he remembering being disciplined at the orphanage? This is just another example of how complicated it is to parent a child when we have missed their first years of life.
Linda... how heart breaking. And agonizing. Stop beating yourself up though. It's ok that they mourn and grieve.. they have to. They HAVE to. (regardless of the trigger) You were there with him during it and he knows you were there with him to comfort him. My guy used to have those and we would set time aside to have them just about every morning for a while. And then he was better.. but sometimes it still comes back.. and the cry .. the fear.. it IS different. I just let him know I was there and it was ok to cry and usually I'd imitate his voice and cry so he knew I was there for him and understood.
ReplyDeleteAlso- ya - the respect thing... I think it's an age thing... I think I've got to wait a little further into the three year old stage before that starts getting any better. ugh!
Wow! It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do for any parent at any time. The adoption from a foreign country makes it much more difficult. Hang in there... I'm sure you'll figure it out. You have great instincts!
ReplyDeleteLinda, I have been there. After 3 years, my boys still have moments when they are panicked and inconsolable. I have no doubt that it is related the the first two years of neglect and fear. They may not have actual memories, but their heart has not forgotten. I have beat myself up at times as well when I look back on a situation and feel that I could have handled it differently. BUT...I just continue to love, hug and kiss my boys OFTEN and cont. to reassure them.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda--I'm so sorry--I know the kick-in-the-gut-feeling for not knowing how to calm your grieving/fearful/inconsolable child. It's a terrifying and exhausting feeling. We recently started going to the Institute for Children and Families here in Lancaster to help with some of these issues--I'd be happy to discuss their process if you are ever interested. Hang in there--you are being a wonderful Emama! julie@robertswitmer.com
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